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A NC Parody: Vampire Zero (Part I)
If you want to be in the next one, let me know. IN A WORLD where magic roams, etc. one man will truly disrupt the peace. That man... IS KYR (Who is a Vampire)! Act I: WTF just happened? -Detectives Justin and Jamie were investigating the scene of an apparent crime, and already it was turning out to be very different from the usual death- Police Officer: Apparently it is a Mr. Rache Glock. Detective Jamie: Do not worry about informing me. I have a 6th Sense for this stuff. Death Sense. -Jamie walks over to Justin, who is looking over the body- Jamie: What’s that on his neck? Detective Justin: Looks like a scab. *Rips it off* Oh, that’s dried chocolate. Jamie: Wait, what’s that other thing on his neck? Justin: Hmmm… looks like bite marks. O_o Jamie: I think I saw this once in a movie. -Flashback- Friend 1: No! No, we are friends! Do not bite me! I will diee! Friend 2: But I am a bloodthirsty maniac that wants to bite you. Friend 1: You are a vampire?! Friend 2: No, just a psychopath. -End flashback- Jamie: Yep, definitely a movie. Hmm… Mr. Glock is wearing some nice boots. Justin: Why yes, yes he is. Jamie: >.> *Takes boots* <.< NO ONE SAY ANYTHING THIS IS EVIDENCE! Police Officer: Why are you shouting?! Is everything okay?! -Justin pulls out a shotgun and points it at a random civilian- Justin: Sir! Sir, just calm down, sir! SIR! Officer: Put that away! Jamie: He will. -Justin puts shotgun away- Jamie: I told you he would. -Meanwhile, on a nearby rooftop overlooking the shenanigans- Count Akumla Zero: Blah ha h@! I am Russian and they vill nevar suspekt it iz me! Blah blah haha! *Count Akumla’s cape is flowing awesomely in the wind that isn’t there* Act II: Back to the boots -Back at the headquarters, Justin and Jamie are pondering over what they had seen at the crime scene. Jamie was wearing Glock’s boots by this time.- Jamie: These are some NICE BOOTS. I could kill any ant and climb any mountain with these. Justin: Now, why would there be bite marks on old Mr. Glock…? Jamie: I bet I could store a secret knife in this. No one would even know. I feel like a Jedi. -Flashback- Darth Later: *Breathing heavily, followed by lightsaber activating sound* Jamie: It ends now! BVER BVERR BVER BVER *Epic custom lightsaber noises* -End Flashback- Jamie: I am back. Justin: Where did you go? Jamie: The past. Justin: Nice. Detective Wane: HOLY CRAP THAT GUY JUST FELL OUT OF THE WINDOW! -Jamie and Justin take the stairs down to the street level and rush outside, followed by several other detectives including Wane, who moonwalked outside- Jamie: Hold on, let me get his ID. *Jamie pulls the man’s wallet out and checks the ID* A Mr. Rache Glock. Look, he has the same bite marks as the person that died in the last scene! Justin: Could there be a connection?! Jamie: Yeah man! Justin: All of the clues will soon come together! Jamie: Riiiiiiiiiight? Justin: lol -Wane casually moonwalks over and observes the body after Justin and Jamie have finished- Wane: *To himself* This has to be the work of a vampire* -From a distant rooftop- Count Akumla Zero: Hmmm… Someone iz onto me… *Puts on eye patch* Arrrrr, matey. Act III: Where are my pants? -At the office- Justin: Where are my pants?? You seen them? Jamie: How did you forget your pants? I swear you’re on drugs. Justin: I thought I had them… but maybe I forgot to put then on today… I have no idea. Jamie: Rofl -At the Wane Cave, known as WANE Scientists (We Are Not Eccentric Scientists)- Wane: Hmmm… research tells me that Vampires can only be killed by a stake through the heart… -Wane begins looking around for supplies- Wane: A wooden blade will not be as good as a steel blade lined with wood… I will call it the Roflknife. -Wane begins constructing the Roflknife immediately- -Back at the office- Jamie: Okay, I’ve managed to get us a meeting with someone who claims to know what the killings are a result of. Justin: Orly? Jamie: Yarly. He’s a Mr. Rache Glock. Justin: I feel like I’ve heard that name before… Jamie: Me too. Déjà Vu is retarded. FUS… ROH DAHH!H!!! -Justin goes flying into the wall- Justin: What was that?! Jamie: FUS…. Justin: NO! Jamie: ROH DAHHH!!!!! -Justin flies through the wall- -Jamie appears through the hole in the wall- Jamie: FUS…. Justin: I’M BEGGING YOU!! Jamie: ROH DAHHHHHHHH!!! -Justin flies out the window- -Later on, Justin and Jamie arrive at Mr. Glock’s residence in England- Justin: These betters have been worth the flight… Jamie: These betters have? Justin: Microsoft’s Auto-Correct is retarded, that’s why. Jamie: EEE HEE HEE HEEE! -Justin knocks on Mr. Glock’s door- -Mr. Glock answers, wearing boots and a nice suit- Jamie: Nice boots. I have the same ones! Justin: Yes, very nice. O_O Rache Glock: Please, come in. I wouldn’t want you to get your boots wet. -Did I mention it’s raining in England when Justin and Jamie arrive?- -Justin and Jamie enter Glock’s residence- Justin: Nice st00f. -Rache motions to a table, which is set out with cheerios- Rache Glock: I thought it’d be rude if I did not give you two a bowl of cheerios while we discuss. Jamie: Thanks mannn. -Justin and Jamie sit down, as does Glock- Justin: So Mr. Rache Glock, what do you know about the recent deaths in wherever we were before we were here? Rache Glock: Please, call me R.Glock. Justin: Okay R.Glock. -R.Glock pulls out a small Ziploc bag full of cheerios and begins slowly eating them while talking- R.Glock: Yes, right. I think that the killings are being done by no mortal man. In fact, I firmly believe it’s a vampire we are dealing with. Jamie: Now I remember the movie I was thinking about in Act I… -Flashback- -Friend 1 now closes the door behind Friend 2 in a desperate attempt to get away- Friend 2: BY THE WAY *clawing at the door* I LIED! I AM A VAMPIRE, NOT A PSYCHOPATH! Friend 1: Eat silver bullet, vampire I once called friend! Friend 2: That’s Werewolves. Friend 1: Oh. -Friend 3 breaks in the window to the room where Friend 1 is- Friend 3: I am a Werewolf! -Friend 1 kills him- Friend 3: How did you know? D: *Dies* -End Flashback- R.Glock: As I was saying *Places cheerios on the table* I have a strong feeling it’s Count Akumla Zero… Justin: Count Akumla Zero? R.Glock: Yes, Count Akumla Zero. -Awkward pause- Justin: COUNT AKUMLA ZEROOO????? Count Akumla: Oh, sorry. That was my cue. YES, IT IS I, COUNT AKUMLA, THAT HAS BEEN DOING THIS! Too bad none of you will live to tell the tale… -R.Glock pulls out a Glock that fires wooden stakes- R.Glock: STAKE TO THE HEART! -Count Akumla springs into action, tackling R.Glock- R.Glock: Run! I will hold him off as long as I can! Jamie: Thank you, R. Glock! -Jamie and Justin begin running out of the apartment- Jamie: Oops, forgot my phone. *Runs back in* -R.Glock is dead on the floor, with a note from Count Akumla- -Jamie moves over to it and begins reading it- Jamie: “Dear Jamie and Justin, I know your names. I know more about you guys than you think, because I have been watching you more closely than you have been watching me. For example, I know that Jamie is reading this right now.” *Jamie gasps* “I also know that Justin is about to scream ‘HURRY UP, JAMIE!’” Justin: HURRY UP, JAMIE! Jamie: *Gasps* “R.Glock is dead, and you have no idea how to stop me unless you think back to what he did before I killed him! BLAH HAHA HH@H@ #YOLO” -Jamie walks outside- Justin: What took you so long? Jamie: I found a note… from Count Akumla… He knows more than we think! Justin: *Gasp* Act IV: Ranthar Pain -Wane is now working on hiring a Lead Researcher- Wane: So, Wallcano, is it? Volcano: Close enough. Wane: Alright Wallcano, why do you want this job? Volcano: Well, I feel that I’m highly qualified for whatever it is you are going to be doing. Wane: Hmmm… I wonder what I am going to be doing… Volcano: I thought you knew what you were doing? >_> Wane: Nope. Just kinda making this up as I go along. Volcano: <_< Wane: Anyway, you’re hired, my friend. *Shakes Volcano’s hand* Welcome! Volcano: Alright! So, what do you need me to do first? Wane: I need you to begin researching into Count Akumla Zero… I think he has a major role in the recent killings in the area. Volcano: What will you are doing? >_> Wane: What will you are? Volcano: Microsoft’s Auto-Correct is retarded. Wane: Ah. Anyway, I am going to be designing my Roflknife… Volcano: Why? <_< Wane: Kill vampires. Bring the pain! Volcano: Oh. >_> -A crash is heard outside- Wane: What the?? Come on! -Wane and Volcano rush outside, only to see a man wrestling with someone wearing a cape- Volcano: I know him! That’s Rache Glock! R.Glock: WANKER! LET ME KILL YOU ALREADY! Count Akumla: No. Would the Flyers sit back and let another team win?! R.Glock: Yes. Count Akumla: Lies. RAWR! *Bites Glock* R.Glock: AAH! Owww… Owww that hurt… Just ow. SSS OWW! My gosh… I feel lightheaded. *Falls over dead* -Count Akumla directs his green/red/brown eyes at Wane- Count Akumla: Let this be a lesson. Stop trying to find a way to stop me. Wane: How in the hell did you know? By the way, what color are your eyes? -Count Akumla runs and begins climbing the building to leave quickly- Volcano: Let’s go inside before he comes back and kills us too. >_> Wane: How do you do that? Volcano: Do what? <_< Wane: THAT. Volcano: >_> Wane: Yeah, that. Volcano: I don’t know. Just… >_> Wane: Q_Q Uhh… ~_~ Volcano: No, no. Like this: >_> Wane: C_C Dang it. That’s so hard to do. Volcano: <_< Act V: Confronting Old Kyr -Count Akumla is now looking at his cape in the mirror as he practices showing his fangs to better frighten people- Count Akumla: Eh, this is pretty good. I’m hungry. -R.Glock breaks down the door- R.Glock: Not so fast! Count Akumla: Oh good, lunch. RAWR— -Wane and Volcano break through the glass at the other end of the room- Wane: Wane and Wallcano reporting! Count Akumla: And there’s seconds! -Detectives Justin and Jamie drive through the wall in a car they don’t necessarily own- Jamie: Sup nobs. Count Akumla: Surrounded I see? Well I’ll just— -Viking crashes through the ceiling, followed by Olaf who is trying to kill him to gain his powers- Everyone: O_o Viking: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYEEEEEEEEE! (Very realistic) -Olaf and the Viking engage in epic hand-to-hand combat, making use of Nordic swords- Olaf: You are no match for me!! Ayeeee!! -As Olaf screams, Glock runs over and tackles Count Akumla to the floor. Akumla quickly pushes him away, and Glock hits the wall- -Jamie and Justin begin making messes in the corner in a very official manner- -Wane and Volcano run over to the place where Glock and Akumla are fighting, and as they do so Glock pulls out his Glock- R.Glock: Time to die. Cheerio! -At lightning speed, Akumla runs up to Glock and knocks the Glock right out of his hands- R.Glock: How dare you Akumla. Count Akumla: RAWR! Time to die yourself. *Bites Glock* -Just then, Wane trips on Volcano’s untied shoe and stabs Akumla in the leg with the Roflknife- R.Glock: Bleeding…. Count Akumla: AAAAAGGHHH! *Hits the Roflknife out of Wane’s hand and begins to make his escape somehow* -The Viking crashes right next to Wane, who starts screaming- Olaf: I won. Glock: Wonka bars… *Dies* Justin: Well, the job is done. Wane: They got away, and you guys did nothing. Justin: Oh. Volcano: >_> TO BE CONTINUED… Category:Meta-Articles Category:Parody Category:Potential Junk